glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
