Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
