I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
