Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
