i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
