based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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