maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
