You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
