The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
