grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
