I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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