I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
