she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
