Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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