Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
