In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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