My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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