if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
