If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
