I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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