Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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