Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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