he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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