She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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