Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
