remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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