Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize