neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
