I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
