I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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