Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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