You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
