honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
