Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
