I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
