I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
