Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
