we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
