this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
