I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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