we have pet lesbian snakes
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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