i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
