She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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