the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
