i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
