I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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