A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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