I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
