I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sorry about my life...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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