just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
