im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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