My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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