I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
