I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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