It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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