Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
