I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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