I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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