I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
