shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
