I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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